His gaze is already hurt by the time she removes her hand from her face. Ardbert knows what she's doing. Shoving her emotions away, burying them once more.
It would be best for him to shove his down, too. Except he had just told her that he wouldn't hide from her again. He lets her brush his tears away, focusing on the tenderness in her voice.
Then suddenly, it's gone, as Era speaks about herself. Ardbert sucks in a breath. He's trying so hard to be patient, to be supportive, and still, it isn't enough for her to open up. There was a moment in which he had reached her, but only a moment. It's too much to bear, seeing her beg him to let her be an unfeeling thing.
For the first time ever, Ardbert pulls away from her touch and rolls onto his other side, away from her, and wraps his arms around himself. "It isn't. Not for me. You won't let me be there for you, and it makes me feel worthless."
His last word drips with transient but powerful emotion.
"It makes me fear I'll lose you." The kind of lose, he doesn't know, but it terrifies him all the same. "That some day, you'll break, and I'll be left with the forever shattered remnants of the woman I love."
He pulls away from her and it is so unexpected that she freezes for a moment, trying to process the sight of his back to her in such a pointed gesture. It... hurts. It hurts, but she deserves it. Era rolls onto her other side as well, back facing his, hugging her knees to her chest and curling her tail around her ankle in a futile attempt to make up for the sudden loss of warmth.
"...You weren't allowed to break," Era begins, after a long stretch of silence. "You weren't allowed to until you were dead, Ardbert. Why would it be any different for me?"
Ardbert feels Era turn in bed and shift. He waits for her to speak, knowing she has to process him turning away from her. (Something he already regrets, dearly.)
Then she does speak, and it hurts. It's the first time Era has mentioned his death in as long as he can remember. But it's not that which hurts, so much as the misconceptions.
"I didn't break while I was alive or while I was dead on the Source because I didn't have to. 'Allowed' has nothing to do with it. I had friends with whom I could share my burdens. We leaned on each other in our times of need and put each other back together before we broke."
He wraps his arms tighter around himself, memories flashing in his mind.
"But after they were gone, and I was nothing more than a shade... That was when I broke. I broke, and I broke, and I broke until I thought there was nothing left that could break, only to break again until my very soul began to unravel."
He breathes out with a shuddering sigh, and unable to keep himself from Era for a moment longer, he rolls over to wrap an arm around her from behind, if she'll allow it. "... But I can't make you open up to me if you don't want to. All I can do is let you know that you're not alone. I can see and hear and touch you, and I love you almost more than my heart can bear."
Once they save Hades, Ardbert has a plan: ask how to learn about mental health on the network, then start charting his own path forward that Era, and everyone else who needs it, can use to chart their own paths forward.
Edited (Ardbert keeps other plans secret :)) 2021-05-28 00:23 (UTC)
Era curls herself up more tightly as he speaks, drawing her legs up further into her chest and making herself smaller; secure. She had assumed her and Ardbert's experiences were similar, but apparently they weren't.
For all that her senses alert her to his movement, Era still startles when he wraps his arm around her. While she doesn't pull away from him, neither does she relax into his touch, and when he says 'I love you' she can't hide her small, reflexive flinch.
"...I had someone, once," she tells him, so soft and quiet she doesn't know if he can even hear her. "For just a little while... I had a friend like that."
Pulling away only ruined the mood further rather than get his point across. Godsdamnit. Era was entirely too stubborn.
She startles when he touches her but doesn't pull away, and Ardbert reads that as permission to continue to gently hold her. Her flinch is outside his view, but the fact she doesn't relax tells him more than enough. Ardbert will keep the middle ground, not pushing forward and waiting to see if she wants him to pull back.
"... and then you lost them." He guesses correctly. "Like I did, without warning, and it left a gaping hole where your heart once was."
"The attack was meant for me." It was Haurchefant's choice to intercept it and protect her, but it was her fault he made that choice. "I was not paying attention and he died. After that... I was just the Warrior of Light again."
Ardbert knows who Era's friend was. He had even seen the man die through the Echo. The guilt Era feels at Haurchefant's death is similar to the guilt Ardbert feels towards his friends.
It had been their choice to go with him, but he still felt just as responsible.
Then, they gave up everything they had left to stop the Flood, and he had been entirely alone. All he was to the world at that point was one of the cursed Warriors of Light. Those few that spoke out in their favor eventually died, and then people only said his name to curse it.
"I know the feeling all too well." Ardbert murmurs to her, his heart resonating with the anguish she feels to this very day.
"You had a papa who raised you, and friends who adventured with you," Era tells him. "From the beginning you have always been Ardbert... And I have always been mother's Crystal Bearer."
"I wasn't always Ardbert. In the last years before you showed up, I was almost nothing." He sighs tiredly. "But I understand what you mean. Aye, I had a life before we became Warriors of Light, while all you've ever had is the life you know now."
Era echoes his sigh with one of her own, and while she has yet to relax into his touch she does move her tail to curl over his arm.
"The Scions, while kind and accepting, saw me first as an asset," she admits. It changed over time, as Ardbert is well aware, but they would never have given her a thought had she not been blessed with the Echo. "Haurchefant... To him I was always Era, his dear friend who happened to be the Warrior of Light."
And for all that Haurchefant was glad to sing her praises to everyone who knew him, he never made her feel pressured to live up to his expectations. To him, she was already more than enough just as she was.
"...At first I wondered if She took him from me on purpose, but... I think She gave me as much time with him as She could. She's always been good to me, and kept me safe even at Her own expense." Era hesitates, then whispers: "...She was the only mother who ever wanted me."
Era's opening up to him in her own way. Perhaps it's only a peek over the walls she's built around her heart, but Ardbert's grateful for it all the same. She's trying.
Ardbert listens to every word until the very end. His muscles jerk with an aborted hug, wanting to pull Era tightly to him. While his mother had died when he was young, she had at least loved him, and he had his father until he left home.
She had no one, her memories wiped clean, and those few she had were mostly neutral at best, terrible at worst. Haurchefant was the first person to care about her as a person. To lose the only person who cared like that....
Nothing he says can make that go away. Ardbert slowly and gently pulls her closer to him. He can't get both arms around her without it being uncomfortable, but gods, he just wants to hug her tight.
"She would have saved him if she could have." Ardbert whispers gently, blinking back tears. "And my parents, they—they would have loved you."
Ardbert pulls her closer to him and she allows it. While she doesn't actively lean into his touch she does go more pliant, making it easier for him to move her.
"...Nobuyuki loved his daughter," she offers, tentative and uncertain. "Born too early and abandoned by her mother, she was small and sickly, but he and his parents loved her enough to keep her alive."
Era pauses, hesitating once more.
"...I think her grandfather would have adored you. He was a large Xaelan warrior with an axe larger than yours. His name was Ganbold."
A small improvement. Enough of one that he knows his body heat will seep into her as she likes.
It's the first time she's really talked about her other self's family so unprompted, or that he's heard she was a sickly baby. He smiles through his tears. These memories are good, even if the events before and after are sad.
"An axe bigger than mine? Ganbold's an apt name. Big axe with a bigger heart?"
Well enough at masking it for someone who doesn't know her. Ardbert knows her. He gives a supportive light squeeze.
"Seven fulms? He could have held me like he held her!" Ardbert lets go of Era in the briefest way possible to wipe at his eyes without dislodging her tail, their bodies still pressed close. "We'll have to remember that tip about teething on a tail...."
For their own daughter, someday. "... and the adventures, beside."
"He died shortly after her first birthday," she tells him.
"He gave her a Xaelan name as a gift, and his wife found them shortly after. She was angry with him for stealing the baby away, so he scooped her up into his arms, too, and ran home to their son."
Ardbert lost his mother young and never knew his grandparents. But not as violently as Era's earlier selves lost theirs. To hear how a vibrant grandfather died so early in his grandchild's life hurts more than a little.
Gods...
"... I would've loved him. He'd be able to carry the both of us."
"He was an Oronir, but he left the Steppe behind to marry his wife. His Nhaama," Era explains what she has begun to piece together. Small bits that fit into the larger picture. "'Dearest moon of my heart', he called her, relishing in the way it blushed her cheeks and dulled her anger. They seemed a good match."
"The ones I've met were a bunch of pompous arseholes," Era says with a small huff. "Legend says when the Dawn Father, Azim, took mortal form to be with his love—the Dusk Mother, Nhaama—he founded the Oronir tribe...
"...I wonder... were he and Azeyma my past incarnations, or were they simply deities conjured up by the imprint Hemera left upon the souls she helped?"
Ardbert fights back laughter at that description. Sure, they're a bunch of arses, but they're happy. If everyone's like that, are they even considered terrible by their own culture?
The next bit piques his curiosity. "I really wish I knew. Gods, it's strange to think about past lives, isn't it? But it's also comforting to know we don't change much. We always try to help people. Usually, anyway. I'm sure one of us just said screw it to the whole thing and took a lifetime off, the lucky bastard."
She hums a quiet note of agreement, then falls silent again for a time. It is, however, a silence heavy with contemplation, and the anticipation of being broken—the kind Ardbert is so very accustomed to by now with his wife.
Eventually Era does break the silence, first with a tiny hum and then with words proper.
"From across nine worlds... A hundred hundred lifetimes make up the facets of my soul. In those many lifetimes I'm sure you and I have experienced things we could only dream of."
She can think of a few, though still holds onto the distant hope they may yet become reality.
"Right now you are just a part of me... But in my next incarnation you will no longer be a part of me."
Era gives him another fond nudge with her head.
"There will be no 'me' or 'you', only us. A whole new person, together."
He pauses in the same way. Some thoughts should not be rushed. It takes time for them to bear fruit.
And bear fruit these thoughts do, and Ardbert squeezes her. "... knowing things will continue is comforting. I wonder what we'll be like... I wonder what adventures we'll find... and what adventures our previous selves lived through."
"The only sad thing is the lack of amaro on the Source. They might never get to pet one or fly on their back." He's a bit biased.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It would be best for him to shove his down, too. Except he had just told her that he wouldn't hide from her again. He lets her brush his tears away, focusing on the tenderness in her voice.
Then suddenly, it's gone, as Era speaks about herself. Ardbert sucks in a breath. He's trying so hard to be patient, to be supportive, and still, it isn't enough for her to open up. There was a moment in which he had reached her, but only a moment. It's too much to bear, seeing her beg him to let her be an unfeeling thing.
For the first time ever, Ardbert pulls away from her touch and rolls onto his other side, away from her, and wraps his arms around himself. "It isn't. Not for me. You won't let me be there for you, and it makes me feel worthless."
His last word drips with transient but powerful emotion.
"It makes me fear I'll lose you." The kind of lose, he doesn't know, but it terrifies him all the same. "That some day, you'll break, and I'll be left with the forever shattered remnants of the woman I love."
no subject
"...You weren't allowed to break," Era begins, after a long stretch of silence. "You weren't allowed to until you were dead, Ardbert. Why would it be any different for me?"
no subject
Then she does speak, and it hurts. It's the first time Era has mentioned his death in as long as he can remember. But it's not that which hurts, so much as the misconceptions.
"I didn't break while I was alive or while I was dead on the Source because I didn't have to. 'Allowed' has nothing to do with it. I had friends with whom I could share my burdens. We leaned on each other in our times of need and put each other back together before we broke."
He wraps his arms tighter around himself, memories flashing in his mind.
"But after they were gone, and I was nothing more than a shade... That was when I broke. I broke, and I broke, and I broke until I thought there was nothing left that could break, only to break again until my very soul began to unravel."
He breathes out with a shuddering sigh, and unable to keep himself from Era for a moment longer, he rolls over to wrap an arm around her from behind, if she'll allow it. "... But I can't make you open up to me if you don't want to. All I can do is let you know that you're not alone. I can see and hear and touch you, and I love you almost more than my heart can bear."
Once they save Hades, Ardbert has a plan: ask how to learn about mental health on the network, then start charting his own path forward that Era, and everyone else who needs it, can use to chart their own paths forward.
no subject
For all that her senses alert her to his movement, Era still startles when he wraps his arm around her. While she doesn't pull away from him, neither does she relax into his touch, and when he says 'I love you' she can't hide her small, reflexive flinch.
"...I had someone, once," she tells him, so soft and quiet she doesn't know if he can even hear her. "For just a little while... I had a friend like that."
no subject
She startles when he touches her but doesn't pull away, and Ardbert reads that as permission to continue to gently hold her. Her flinch is outside his view, but the fact she doesn't relax tells him more than enough. Ardbert will keep the middle ground, not pushing forward and waiting to see if she wants him to pull back.
"... and then you lost them." He guesses correctly. "Like I did, without warning, and it left a gaping hole where your heart once was."
no subject
no subject
It had been their choice to go with him, but he still felt just as responsible.
Then, they gave up everything they had left to stop the Flood, and he had been entirely alone. All he was to the world at that point was one of the cursed Warriors of Light. Those few that spoke out in their favor eventually died, and then people only said his name to curse it.
"I know the feeling all too well." Ardbert murmurs to her, his heart resonating with the anguish she feels to this very day.
no subject
"You had a papa who raised you, and friends who adventured with you," Era tells him. "From the beginning you have always been Ardbert... And I have always been mother's Crystal Bearer."
no subject
no subject
"The Scions, while kind and accepting, saw me first as an asset," she admits. It changed over time, as Ardbert is well aware, but they would never have given her a thought had she not been blessed with the Echo. "Haurchefant... To him I was always Era, his dear friend who happened to be the Warrior of Light."
And for all that Haurchefant was glad to sing her praises to everyone who knew him, he never made her feel pressured to live up to his expectations. To him, she was already more than enough just as she was.
"...At first I wondered if She took him from me on purpose, but... I think She gave me as much time with him as She could. She's always been good to me, and kept me safe even at Her own expense." Era hesitates, then whispers: "...She was the only mother who ever wanted me."
no subject
Ardbert listens to every word until the very end. His muscles jerk with an aborted hug, wanting to pull Era tightly to him. While his mother had died when he was young, she had at least loved him, and he had his father until he left home.
She had no one, her memories wiped clean, and those few she had were mostly neutral at best, terrible at worst. Haurchefant was the first person to care about her as a person. To lose the only person who cared like that....
Nothing he says can make that go away. Ardbert slowly and gently pulls her closer to him. He can't get both arms around her without it being uncomfortable, but gods, he just wants to hug her tight.
"She would have saved him if she could have." Ardbert whispers gently, blinking back tears. "And my parents, they—they would have loved you."
no subject
"...Nobuyuki loved his daughter," she offers, tentative and uncertain. "Born too early and abandoned by her mother, she was small and sickly, but he and his parents loved her enough to keep her alive."
Era pauses, hesitating once more.
"...I think her grandfather would have adored you. He was a large Xaelan warrior with an axe larger than yours. His name was Ganbold."
no subject
It's the first time she's really talked about her other self's family so unprompted, or that he's heard she was a sickly baby. He smiles through his tears. These memories are good, even if the events before and after are sad.
"An axe bigger than mine? Ganbold's an apt name. Big axe with a bigger heart?"
no subject
Her tone is filled with myriad emotions and no small amount of internal conflict, though Era does well enough at masking it.
"He let her teethe on his tail, and liked to steal her away for adventures once she was strong enough. He was so proud of his little family."
no subject
"Seven fulms? He could have held me like he held her!" Ardbert lets go of Era in the briefest way possible to wipe at his eyes without dislodging her tail, their bodies still pressed close. "We'll have to remember that tip about teething on a tail...."
For their own daughter, someday. "... and the adventures, beside."
no subject
"He gave her a Xaelan name as a gift, and his wife found them shortly after. She was angry with him for stealing the baby away, so he scooped her up into his arms, too, and ran home to their son."
no subject
Gods...
"... I would've loved him. He'd be able to carry the both of us."
no subject
no subject
no subject
She tilts her head back enough to bump the crown of her head gently against his chin.
"I believe it is seen as one of the very few honorable reasons to leave the Steppe."
no subject
"They love and fight with the same passion. Not a bad way to live."
no subject
"...I wonder... were he and Azeyma my past incarnations, or were they simply deities conjured up by the imprint Hemera left upon the souls she helped?"
no subject
The next bit piques his curiosity. "I really wish I knew. Gods, it's strange to think about past lives, isn't it? But it's also comforting to know we don't change much. We always try to help people. Usually, anyway. I'm sure one of us just said screw it to the whole thing and took a lifetime off, the lucky bastard."
no subject
Eventually Era does break the silence, first with a tiny hum and then with words proper.
"From across nine worlds... A hundred hundred lifetimes make up the facets of my soul. In those many lifetimes I'm sure you and I have experienced things we could only dream of."
She can think of a few, though still holds onto the distant hope they may yet become reality.
"Right now you are just a part of me... But in my next incarnation you will no longer be a part of me."
Era gives him another fond nudge with her head.
"There will be no 'me' or 'you', only us. A whole new person, together."
no subject
And bear fruit these thoughts do, and Ardbert squeezes her. "... knowing things will continue is comforting. I wonder what we'll be like... I wonder what adventures we'll find... and what adventures our previous selves lived through."
"The only sad thing is the lack of amaro on the Source. They might never get to pet one or fly on their back." He's a bit biased.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)